We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
