The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
