I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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