seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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