I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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