there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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