Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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