and you said cock pushups were impossible
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
