If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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