I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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