I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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