I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
