They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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