Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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