she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
