you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
