You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
