dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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