I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
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