I just pynch a tree in the face
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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