My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
