Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
