please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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