ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
