No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
