there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
