Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
