Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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