I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
