My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
