you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
