I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
