Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
