barbara walters just said penis...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
