A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
