Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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