theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
