Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she peed on how many people?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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