It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
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It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
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Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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