Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
