Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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