You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
