Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
