Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
