the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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