I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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