Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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