we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
