Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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