Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
