It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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