He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
