I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
