Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
