Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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