I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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