The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
